Lebron James on Cleveland

Miami- In his return to Miami following a road win against the Cleveland Cavaliers last Thursday, Lebron James had this to say about his former team: "You know how when you go to school as a kid, and there's always that one kid that sits with you at lunch, but you don't really want him there, and you kind of don't want to tell him because he's like 40 pounds bigger than you? That's exactly what's going on with me and Cleveland right now." When asked to elaborate on the scenario, James added, "He's chill and all, but he could be a real prick, even when he has your back. You know, it's kind of like the a waiter at a cheap Mexican restaurant. He'll give you your food, but, like, he has an accent and stuff." James' former teammate Mo Williams, when informed about Lebron's depiction of the scenario, whispered darkly, "Man is neither angel nor brute, and the misfortune is that he who would act the angel acts the brute. Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man. Hell is empty and all the devils are here." The next matchup between James' Heat and Williams' Cavs is on December 15th at Miami, where James plans to perform a musical along with his teammates to further show his feelings about his former team.

Europe Under Impression Lebron is Coming

New York- While many teams and their cities in the NBA are preparing campaigns and offers to lure Lebron James and convince him to join their organization, sources close to the situation insist that James is going to continue his professional basketball career in Europe. "We have been in close contact with his people and we are assured that he is coming to play in Europe next year," said an anonymous EuroLeague official. Sources say that James has not been clear about his intentions on which NBA team he plans to join because he doesn't plan on playing there at all. "Playing in Europe gives Lebron a marketing edge other players have never had before," said Vladamir Augsburger, "He will have an audience in Europe as well as [North America]. Lebron will also have the opportunity of being the first superstar to play in Europe and play against far less skilled players, which will lead to his production of absurd numbers." After extensive research and collaborative efforts, Europe found that James' 48 minute production next season is projected to be 122.4 points, 76.02 rebounds, 39.87 blocks, and 45.2 steals. James will also find scoring so easy that it would be near impossible to convince him to pass to his pathetic excuse for teammates. "Honestly, the other guys would only be on the court so that we stick to the rules and play the minimum amount of players needed," said Augsburger, "And Euros are worth more than dollars, so that's another bonus for 'Bron."

Kobe Bryant: "I like lemons."

Los Angeles- When All-Star Lakers guard Kobe Bryant was asked Saturday about preparing for the Boston defense, pressures of the NBA Finals, and his stellar play recently, Bryant said that he "liked lemons." Bryant, a four time NBA champion with the Los Angeles Lakers, is facing his most potent opponent of this year's Playoffs,  the Boston Celtics. "I like lemons," said Bryant, when asked about the two teams' historic rivalry and whether beating the Celtics would make the ring extra special. "To me, there is no difference. I like lemons." According to coach Phil Jackson, Bryant "plays hard every day and never gives up on what he does, and [Bryant] likes lemons." The 2007-2008 MVP, Bryant was not shy explaining why he is so good at keeping his calm during pressuring times like the Finals. "It's easy," he commented while frowning slightly, "I like lemons."